This is in response to Tininu's 'Let's call a spade a spade'. Or rather should I say a follow up, with my own 2 cents on the issue. I think GoodNaijaGirl too, has said something in relation to this. Though mine may take a different turn.
This did bring a wave of nostalgia, and though I may seem to rant and rave, I will give anything to re-live my childhood.
I lived as a family of two, i.e my mother and myself even though I have siblings. My siblings were much older and were out of the country. So imagine a middle aged mother in her hitting her 40's having to take care of a child. I guess her mates had stopped worrying about who was going to help their daughter take her lunch to school because she had left it at home or worry about going to the bookshop with list of books for a primary school girl. I think those ones were worrying about the next lace they would wear to that 'owanbe' party, than the baggage that came with having a little child because they either didn't have kids or, the youngest of their kids was already wearing make up and getting ready to write their WAEC.
With this you can imagine how my mother's attention was focused on me. So much so that if I wanted to breathe, I needed to ask of the air was clean enough for me. I never made any decisions by myself. Not because I was being spoilt. Oh hell no, in fact my case was far from it. I've tasted beating of all sorts. Be it from the ruler, to the normal cane, to 'koboko'. Yes I have been down that route. Although I must say that after I reached a certain age, all those beatings stopped, and it was more of slaps. You know those dizziness inducing ones that left the palm imprint on your cheeks for the next hour or two. Yes, my mother had hands of iron, and I don't mean figuratively. If you think I was a stubborn kid, I was in fact far from it. Lets just say I did stupid things that my mother felt could only be managed with thorough lashing.
As I said, I never made decisions for myself. To be honest, I didn't even think there were such things as discretion on my part, as the child. I lived a life where majority of the conversations I could hold with my mother (about me) revolved around things she wanted to hear. School, Arabic school and more school, however as her only companion, she told me everything there was to hear about her day(s), provided they were appropriate for my age to hear.
I couldn't say 'oh I want to go to my friend's house', cos I believed that you didn't go to school to keep friends (not that it was ever uttered as so, but that was the vibe I got). Hence I didn't have friends in the area, though partly because I think I became a snobbish child and I hated the area.
I believed this was also the case with my siblings, well at least two of them, and they only broke free because they now lived away from home, out of the country. But they suffered the 'you have defied me' speech every single time they called home.
I only got to notice this when I actually lived with both one of my siblings and my mother at the same time in the same house. My mother was giving orders on what to do and what not to do, especially in regards to relationships. The guy my sister was seeing/ dating (whatever) came down to jand from yankee and my sister went to see him and spent the night there. Through out the night, my mother was fuming, although I didn't know why, I got to find out the next day when my sister returned and my mother gave her the 'talk' as to why it was indecent for a lady to spend the night with a man.
On the one hand, I think she was only doing her job as a mother, but on the other hand, I think it was a bit late for her to be having that conversation with a woman who was soon to be hitting her thirties.
You could bet that my sister was furious.
She did the same with another sibling, as she complained that it was senseless of them (my sister and her husband) to spend all that money buying a Chrysler jeep, when they could have split the money and bought two smaller cars, where my sister could own hers and the other for her hubby (who takes the train to work in the city). Once again, the sis did'nt find it funny and when she aired her views in her usual soft spoken manner , my mother flared, packed her things and left their house, under the premise that the sis doesn't listen to her anymore, and that all her husband says is the gold she cherishes, rather than my mother's words.
I daresay she failed to realise that her daughter is now a married woman, with her own family to take care of and worry about.
Now that I live away from home i.e at uni and with my sister at the holidays, I have only just begun to assume a role of responsibility, although I still find myself speaking about my intentions with the sis, rather than carrying on with it on my own.
I find that I don't do it because I need advise, but I do it because I need /want/have to be told what to do.
I'm still yet to find out if that is a good thing or a bad thing.
Also, the sis plays the 'you are an adult' card, 'you have the discretion to do as you please', but she never fails however to state how she feels this should be done or the appropriate manner that this should be said or done.
At least, one thing we tend to agree with, without spoken words, is that we don't need to attend this family gathering or visit that family member. I think unlike a lot of us, I am very lucky in that area.
Although, subconsciously, she has adopted that same behaviour as our mother, though she uses it in the subtle way that blends with her character. So sometimes I don't complain because it is not as though I am being ordered. I too subtly treat is as an input, of which I have the discretion to accept or not.
The one time I decided to stand up for myself by refusing to move to the states with the eldest, the family went (and still is) in turmoil because I chose to stay with one sibling over the other. The eldest claiming that by right, as the oldest, she had to be my guardian. I ask why? All the siblings I have are in good position to be my guardian, so why play the age card?.
Fast forward to now. Am I complaining about the way things were? I would like to delude myself and say no. But maybe I am not or once again, I am. I would like to leave that in the grey area
Should I say that they way I was brought up, has had an effect on who I am today. Maybe yes! I meet a few people at uni who tell me I am very mature. I ask, what do you mean by mature? I have either never spoken to you, or if I have it has not been more than 'hi-hello', so how then can you tell? Usually, they cant explain it, or as one of them said, 'when I saw you, I thought you were a postgraduate student'. I didn't know whether I was to take that as a compliment or not.
I find these comments hard to believe, especially as I know I am a person who has grown up to being told what and what not to do.
On the other hand, maybe I did grow up early, maybe I did assume a role of responsibility quite early.
From this, I have noticed that, even though a lot of people preach that they do not accept the things that their parents do and the way do it, they subconsciously adopt this style of bringing up their children, thus, it becomes a cycle.
It is for us, this generation to understand that, children are of different personalities, and you cannot attack the singular in the same manner that you deal with the bunch .
You cannot use the same method with every child. It causes problems.
We should learn to understand our children.
I am not saying the slow child should be given a tamed hand, and the stubborn child a hard hand, or vice versa. I just think every approach should be tailored to the kind of child you have, though taking care for it not to be misconstrued as being partial. It is not easy, but it has to be done.
I can/cannot say this has indeed moulded the person that I am today, maybe it did do me some good, or maybe with my personality, I have not allowed it to do me any harm. I am not saying it was wrong or right, but it could have benefited from some kinds of adjustments.
Note: Once again, I think my points have been misconstrued as something else. I am not arguing that the parents/older ones 'have not been there before'. Obviously they have. My point is, even though 'they have been there before', doesn't mean they have to force their opinions. That is called ordering people. Which is what a lot of people do not appreciate. If your child is at the age where he/she can make certain decisions, then let him, obviously, his actions will only be put forward with the guidance that the adult/parent provides.
