Dear Mother II

A long time has indeed elapsed since my last letter,

In that time, a lot has ensued as well.

I hope you received my last letter.

I know it was signed with the unfamiliar pseudonym that I have recently adopted

And not that one oriki that you fondly called me.

The same one you were fondly called by your mother, of which she was called by hers too.

I decided to use that so as the keep the oriki between us,

Away from the prying eyes of these people (Yes YOU).

Yes, it is that time of the month, and it reminds me of the first time.

That morning, yes that morning.

Now I laugh, but then I didn't. It certainly wasn't funny.

It was supposed to be like any other morning, I was getting ready for school.

You heard me scream.

You thought I'd just seen my grandmother's ghost.

You were right! Well partially.

I had seen a ghost, though not mami's.

It was a red one. The red one.

The famous Miss P (or according to Buttercup, Aunty Flo)

She had come unexpectedly to jolt me to womanhood,

She was to stay and haunt my life for the next 30 years.

I was forlorn, because I knew she was early. Too early.

She must have caught the fast train. I was only in JSS 2.

My siblings had been much older,

But then again, I guess she'd used the choo choo train in their time.

Then it was time for the talk. I wasn't ready for it.

But fortunately for me, I didn't get the falsified version.

I wasn't told I'd be heavy with child if I held hands with a boy.

Though you didn't fail to emphasize that you'd make my life miserable if you did find me holding hands.

Though once again you said you would take care of the child and send me back to school.

After the talk, I got the chicken.

Yes the chicken. Like every young 'budding' Yoruba girl.

I got one killed specially for me. It was my day.

At the end of that day, I knew or rather I emphasized the fact that,

The weirdo I had become was from being the daughter of a weirdo.

I called you mega mother weird.

The weirdest this planet has ever seen.

Doesn't stop me from loving you

For not only does this hereditary weirdness make me unique,

The 'talk' made me a better person and I appreciated my sudden 'womanhood'.

I am happy with the woman that I have become as a result.

For that, I say thank you.

My daughter must surely get this talk,

Though not verbatim,

It will certainly be in the most mega mother weird way that I can give it.




NOTE: Those who have read, I have come to a conclusion that such utterences are not befitting for a post that is solely directed at my mother. So if you read the comments and wonder what the first few people have said....you can keep wondering.

15 Cogitations:

Lady said...

hahahhahah......"and if he doesnt i hope he rots in the ignorance" buhahahhaahhahahahahah....DAMN..THATS DEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!......
girrrllll at least u were in jss 2 when aunty flo caught the train..heck i was in PRIMRY 4!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.....awwwww..a beautiful letter....and oh i remeber being told the LIES TOO.......MINE WAS WORSE....IF I "TOUCHED" ANY BOY.....IT WUD RESULT IN A LUMP!!!!!!!!..i remeber thinking hw i was gonna keep ma own brother from touching me..lolololo....OH IGNORANCE IS BLISS ABEG!!!!!!!!!!
P.S: I AINT GONE ANYWHERE BEYBEY....BDAY PLANS U KNU...HAVING A PARRI..SO ITS TAKING UP MA TIME...LOVE YOU!!!!!
P.S: XOXO

NaijaScorpio said...

Wow.... nice one. Come, who u dey vex for?

naijaleta said...

Mehn! A no envy dat pesin una dey vex fo O. A hope say no be me O. Afriad kach me no be smo.

O'Dee said...

lol! wetin d guy do u???

U got a chicken when aunty flo knocked on your door; me I dint get any o.

ibiluv said...

girl...mine was first day in Jss 1....not funny .........

missed out on my chicken oh.....

Jaguda said...

love your note at the end. broda....u dey rot for ignorance?

ANYWAY....wonderful words about river red and her monthly visits. pele darling

Tininu said...

well i can round around and dance because i know the anger is not directed at me...

Leave all those stupid boys

but i thought you were immune to stupid boys disturbing you or as someone said to me once" it take a lot for me to get angry" obviously you were wrong..

Elle Woods said...

wow!!...rots in ignorance..thats very deep.lol.
its a guy...naija one..they are known to be some serious fuck ups....some of them. Dont let him make u angry!1

NaijaBabe said...

Koko...primary 4 is DEEP....wow. I dont envy you then. Have fun at your party.

Sting, thanks. I am vexing for SOMEBODY.

Najaleta, you're sure it isnt you?

Oluwadee, I got the chicken o...although I didnt eat it all myself obviously.

Ibiluv...wow...that must have been hard...especially as you're starting a new school.

Bad guyyyy! Thank you.

Tininu..it can be anybody..and like naijaleta, you are so sure it isnt you? why?
Besides you dont know how long ive been carrying it before flipping!

Elle...mehn..what can I say

aloted said...

wow...mrs flo coming was celebrated for u with chicken...nice one..i dont remember getting anything..

I like this letter..

i think my mum had already given me the talk beforehand so I wasn't shocked when mrs flo came along.

Aphrodite said...

Loved the letter. Really nice.
But...

"She was to stay and haunt my life for the next 30 years"

Is that to say you are almost 40 years now cos you couldnt have been less than 10yrs in J.S2??

Just curious...

Duchess said...

thank God for Mothers...so many young girls would have died of shock...seeing auntyflo for the first time.

babes, abeg con whisper the oriki to me na....that one wey grandma...mummy... and you dey bear...i promise not to tell anyone...lol

Mz. Dee said...

Ur mum is a wonderful woman.

Buttercup said...

awww sweet..

gosh, i miss my mum!

mine started in jss1 n i was promised a COW...it never came...duh..

P.S...i ddnt come up wit the words, 'aunty flo', i heard em from naijalines...lol..

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